Updates!

Did I say Updates? Eh I mean big big updates :) There's so much that has happened today, several big news and some that are less significant. So let's start this :)
 1. The very first and biggest news for me today was that I passed my drivers licence school's driving exam!!!!! YES I did it!!! I only had 1 mistake in 2 hours of driving and my teacher was more than happy to teach me and he was so proud at me :)))) During the time I drove, me and my teacher, we visited Kaagjärve( a place with a beautiful lake) We got to the lake, and we went outside, talked for like 10minutes, but my god the lake was amazing, I so want to go roving there!!!!!! I also realized, I was not far away from Karin, probably 5-10km from her home.... thank god she didn't saw my driving skills, she would have laughed. I also saw Karin's dad when we drove in Vabaduse street :) We both said "Hei" to each other as well. I dunno though whether he knew it was me or not..
 2. The second big news was that Karin talked with me today! I am stunned cause she did, as I didn't hope she ever would talk with me. We didn't talk for hours or smth, but it was a short yet understandable. I also told her I need time for myself to figure out my own feelings, my own side from this shit, etc. I really hope she understood what I meant with it. I would talk with her, days, weeks, months. years and decades in row, but right now it would hurt me more than make me happy.

 3.  I found one of the most coolest fact today @ Askmen(Mens online magazine), so here it is: "One-third of women report being too tired of busy for sex". I mean seriously? What the douche? Sex is probably the most incredible feeling in everyone's lives, but being too busy or tired for it? Pff, seems to me that 1/3 of women think of sex as a routine duty.

 4. I believe that I've found a incredible way to loose everything bad I ever had in my past, and that includes my lieing to everyone!!!! It isn't so big news, as I did found it earlier, but today, while I drove with Golf 5(during my driving exam) I upgraded that technique and I've realized its far more easier than I ever thought! To be honest, truth is million times better than any lie, no matter if its small or big, needed or not, it just comes out to everyone someday, whether its month or years, days or hours!. 

 5. As I made a promise to everyone, here's something for you to listen. A small review of my upcoming song, that is dedicated to Karin, and our 5 months relationship. I must warn, it is a sad rythm, but you guys are here to judge, not me. 

 A small review

 6. OMG OMG OMG!!! LIGHTNING!! God I love thunder and lightning! It was so cool during 17.00 pm, when I was working, the thunder storm, I got chills all over my body, it was SO awesome!!! Me likey-likey!!

 Well those are the news for today, hoping to get some more and better news tomorrow :) Wish me good luck^^

 Scooter-Jump that rock

It is SO cool song!! I have got to learn to dance the same way, as those guys there dance @ 0.45 seconds.

 Question of the day: " Should I be just friends with Karin?"
 Interesting question, yet one of the most hardest question I have to answer for myself. She knows what I feel for her, and she knows how much I love her( Or does she?)! Well anyhow, I can answer that question in a month, maybe in a year, no one can tell.

Bai!

P.S So fuking badly I wanted to tell Karin today that "I love her, and that I want her back in my life" But due to the recent events, I cannot, it would make me look like a doormat for her, begging her to come back to me, which she won't.

Heaven or hell?

Being in heaven is good, specially if your in heaven with the person you love the most. For me on other hand, this can't happen obviously. Hell in that case, that is the place I belong to.Although I don't listen to heavy metal, or act like a dick( I have acted like this, probably one of the reasons I lost her) but I belong to hell. I've made my life sound like a place perfectly suiting for people who go to hell.

 I had laughs today!! Is that a miracle? Perhaps...perhaps indeed. But that was incredible that I laughed. The reasons why I had laughs was because I hanged out with Karin's friend Keidy :) We talked about drivers licence school, and we discussed about a lot of things, including the real reasons behind my disastrous break-up with Karin. It made me feel as if I'm one of the worst men in world, maybe I am, maybe I'm not, no one can really tell that.  Me and Keidy talked for around 1,5 hours and I honestly laughed many times. 

 At work, I had no mood to work today, it brings so much memories for me when we was together with Karin. When she visited me, waited me, or just came to my work for few minutes. When I remembered that, while I was smoking, my mood fell 100x lower and it gave me depression. But overall, I've started to think more positive.

 Sex addiction? What the hell haha? I did knew people can become sex addicted, but becoming one so easily, that I wasn't aware of! Californication series star David Duchovny obviously is one. Thank god I am not one, but after reading how easily one can become on, I'm scared!

 I saw a futuristic yacht from Adastra! WOW!! That looked like a dam fighter from Star wars, ugly as hell from outside, but more beautiful inside! Same goes for humans, looks isn't 100% when loving the opposite sex! That's the reason I never think of myself as a cute guy, I don't like Brad Pitt, or Johnny Depp, but I have characteristics they don't. 

 Well nothing more for now. Tomorrow I will start giving out hints on how my song is taking advance! I will also post a small recorded sounds of it, no lyrics, but still a start! I have written all the lyrics I need, all that I owe my biggest thanks to Karin! The time we spent together helped me figure out the lyrics and she helped me the most with my song!

 So Karin: "I give you my biggest and most sincere thanks!"

 See you tomorrow with new news and more text of my upcoming journey to "Becoming a better Man" 

 P.S I am also having an auction on Osta.ee for a acoustic guitar. Its a new hobby I call: " Take this and leave that"

Bai :)

(I cannot hide my depression when I'm all alone in my rented apartment, all those memories with me and Karin, it's killing me!!! :(. I might think of changing the apartment)


My Chemical Romance- Na Na Na Na

Step it up!

I took the open opportunities of trying myself to loose depression with few in hand chances, such as:
 1. I started running again, it felt good for my body, and for those 15mins I didn't feel depressed. Listening music, and running is a great way to get your body fit and loose your thoughts.
 2. I also started to hit my brain, whenever I started thinking about Karin, not literally, but in a way that I will keep it to a secret.
 3. To remind myself of Karin, and the time we spent together, I gathered all my memories, sad moments, good moments and perfect moments, and I wrote them down and I started to make a song about them. It was my secret to make it before 15th of july, when me and Karin was about have 6 months together, but now I will make it whenever I get the lyrics set and the rythm done in FL Studio 9.
 4. Although I feel as shit 24/7, I also realized, no matter what I would do, move on, or kill myself, it wouldn't bring her back, therefore my new hobby : "Becoming a perfect man". I know it is a long journey for me, but hoping I will destory my past and build a new me, will be a good start to avoid my biggest problem,lieing. It is over, but as we know, and I know, it may come back, so I have to work more than hard to accomplish it.
 5. Learning dancing, not balley, but club dancing, working on some tricks and moves, that can astonish not just me, but everyone around me. (Hip-hop here I come)


Those 5 are just the beginning of my journey, but giving it a small start, can turn into something bigger in long run. Now, I'm studying for my exams for drivers licence and trying to build my 2nd website, for some extra income of my choice :)


 I have to see you next time I will write :) Take care


P.S I still miss Karin so badly, if I could see her for just a second, with her eyes on me, I couldn't imagine my feelings, should I say "Hei" and hug her, or run away in the other direction. Who knows, we will see once this happens, if it happens.


Martin Solveig- Ready 2 Go

Life or death?

I suppose everyone already knows what has had happened in the past 5 days. For the ones who doesn't know, I've lost Karin(the girl I love more than anything). The reason why it happened is because appearently she lied to me if she said she loved me, but the main problem is that she left me because she realized what a dick I am. I know I'm not proud of my past life, nor happy in the past events that has happened with my previous relationships, but I took all that and finally changed my life 180 degrees. I've stopped lieing to people, but on June 15th, I took the liberty of lieing to another girl. Yes I did it, I admit it, but it was one lie I had to do, because I didn't saw any other opportunity. It was my last seconds critical decision, but lieing to others, I've not done so since April. I used to lie, and hurt people, including Karin, but she took me with her, and she changed my life totally!!
 All that hard work, to change myself, and still nothing has changed, were we happy with Karin, when we were together? Maybe, I was more than happy, I can honestly say, I was happier than 101% of the men worldwide. Being with Karin was the time of my life, and I sincerely hope it was the same for her, after all she said.
 All that said, it doesn't really matter now, Karin has left me all alone, packed her bag and left me all alone in the world. It hurts, it hurts every bit of my heart and soul, and I will be honest with you, I wanted to kill myself, a part of me still does, but I can't do it. I've told several people I care about, that I'll kill myself, but I just cannot do this. It would hurt Karin,and all the other people even more. I don't want to seem weak person, although I've cried over Karin for days. ( I know men should be strong, but loosing your love of your life, hurts)
 Maybe we can pick up another subject tomorrow, maybe not. I just hope that Karin will someday realize how much I truly do love her, and when I said to her : "I will never leave you", maybe she understands I meant it with all my heart.

 I love you Karin(L)

 Please forgive me for what I've done to you, to hurt you and lied in the past. 

Truth?

Which is better, lieing to the one you love, keeping secrets from her, or telling her the pure truth? Its a two-sided situation, and it hurts me saying that I cannot keep any secrets from her. I cannot do anything if I wouldn't have her by my side. Loosing her would mean the end for me, having her makes me the happiest man on earth. But however I have all those fears, like I wrote yesterday, and it still hurts me, still giving me nightmares, my body shakes every night I'm going to sleep all alone, every minute I cannot hug her, every second I cannot lay my eyes on her, it hurts me. I still think that what would happen if I get get hurt from her now? What would happen to me? Die, in one big way, my whole body, my loving to everything would simply die and I would feel numb from every part of my body, soul and my mind :(

 I can't stop thinking. Every time she goes to a bus, or goes away from me, every single time my heart starts to yell, scream and it stops beating. I cannot stop loving her, I love every bit of her!!! :((( 


 As I write this, I cannot help not to mention, but my hands are shaking, my head spins 600 times per second and my heart is screaming back at me: "Get a hold of yourself". The truth is, I don't know what would I do without her sweet warmness, her presents or if I wouldn't be with her. I.... I cannot express anything more what would happen to my body while I write anything more.

Aerosmith-I dont wanna miss a thing

Telling the world

It hurts me as much as anyone else, seeing the girl you love your whole life, who's your reason for life, after everything your trying, it just hurts like a hurricane. What is the reason behind my fears, she will go to another guy? Past experiences, really bad ones, and the reason why I fear it the most is, I love Karin more than my own life, I would die for her, if needed, I want to make her happy from every bit of my soul and body, but its hard, so hard when I've had those problems.
 I once loved a girl, 3 of them, the reason why I fell in love with them, is insignificant, but however what happened to me while being in relationship with them, that was one of the most fearful thing. One the first occasion, it was so called "perfect". We were both happy, but as the time went forward, our happiness suddenly collapsed, to put this way. Why? She loved greece, and she went there every time she had the chance. At first it was ok,yet we know, everyone of us likes to party,so did she. She partied there every time she went there. But what I didn't know was that, she also had an affair there, with a local guy. It lasted for months until it came open. I was staying at her place, when she received a package from the guy. The package consisted of his sweaty T-shirt, and a letter, describing their best sex experience under the sunrise in the beach.What also happened, I nearly killed myself, because my blood pressure went sky high. How I felt? Well you can only imagine that, it made my heart upside down, non functional....w/e more. When I asked from her why? She said, I was too far away from her. I mean what the heck? I was only 300km from her,visiting her every weekend, and the guy she got affair with was 2000km away from her, seeing each other once every 2months.I got furious, ran off, and walked 95km from Tuusula to Helsinki, non stop. 
 As the story goes on, the other 2 girls did the same to me, not with foreign guys though, so imagine me getting hurt 3 times in row, in past 3 years. That is a shock to my heart, to my brain and this grew my fears all over everything. I have to get myself through all this, but now that I've really found Karin, and love her in a way noone else could, and when I saw her with another guy, laughing together, driving away together, you can imagine how all of the old memories popped out of my mind, and I was really seeing in reality that its happening again. All that pain, stress, crying, all of that is starting all over again. :'(

 Long story, a sad one, but as you read this, you know what really has happened to me in past 3 years.